Otherwise I Can't Go On
by Mrs Mengele
Summary: Femslash/chanslash (Miranda/Kat) YMMV-piece starting at the end of the season 4 episode "Forget Me Not". Pretty much PWP. **COMPLETED**


DISCLAIMER: The characters don't belong to me. I'm not doing this for profit. Restricted. Contains sexual innuendo between two females under the age of consent. You have been warned.  


Thank you Scott for betaing.   
  
  
** Otherwise I Can't Go On**  


I can see the girl's heart breaking without a sound. Somewhere in her warm chest it just stops beating, the liquid pumping through her veins no longer blood, but something altogether colder. Something that only moments ago would have filled me with the blackest desire. Should have.  


"I could never forget you.   


The Mother cries to the weeping ghost on the other side of the bridge, while my beautiful, sublime Kat shrugs off the offending hands of the man who rescued her from the wrath of her dead sister. She narrows her eyes and looks at the woman with hate that surely rivals my own, clenching her tiny fists to her chest, angered even more by the fact that she is so clearly ignoring her. But nothing in her short years could have prepared her for the words that escape the woman's lips next, in little more than a whisper.  


"I love you, Paige.  


I want to kill her. I have wanted to kill her since the first moment I laid my eyes on Kat, never one with patience to compete for affection. For fear that she would hate me in the end I never have.   


But now. The hurt in her eyes. The deep scars the Mother's words dig into her being. Something inside of her is calling out for me, begging for me to hurt the woman the way she is hurting her. Hell, she only need go a little further and Kat would be ready to do it herself. But I can't. For some reason I can't. It must be an echo from her mind, why else would my soul be aching so much that I can hardly breathe. Kat...  


"Kat...  


The Mother calls her name as the ghost finally vanishes. To some yet undiscovered regions of Hell, I hope. She visibly has trouble removing her eyes from the spot her dead daughter occupied mere moments ago, but she tries. With tear-stained mascara falling down her cheeks like in a surrealistic painting she tries to look at Kat, to communicate some kind of an apology. All I see is weariness. As if her heart had been torn out for one last time, and she just had nothing left to give to anyone. Not anymore. Not right now. Not yet.   


Kat must see the same thing. Or something else, something secret between only the two of them, hidden from the rest of us. She gives the Mother one last venomous stare before turning away, leaving them behind to find solace in the darkness of the forest. I cannot help but to follow. Even when there is an unfamiliar ache in my chest, as if something is constricting my ribcage, making it hard to breathe, to beat, to be. _I would follow you anywhere.  
_  
For the longest time I thought I had to corrupt you. I thought I had to seduce you to the dark side to have you. But I realize now that it is your bright self full of life that I love, and I wouldn't want you any other way. I want you in every possible way.  


And I would have you any way I can.  


You feel my presence and turn violently around, the anger in your eyes soon replaced by the look of a lost child when you realize that I'm not who you were expecting to find. I can feel the life-sustaining muscle in my chest shrinking a little more, a little more painfully. You are still clenching your fists to your chest, the knuckles turning white from the strained effort, your lower lip quivering minutely. I want only to wrap my arms around you and comfort you until even the last of thoughts has fled. But I won't. I can't. You will turn away and I will spend an eternity alone.  


"...I hate her.  


Perhaps you had been speaking for a while, but only the last words caught my attention. How I wish you meant it. I doubt that you do. Not really. You reach inside your blouse and search a while, pulling out the amulet I gave you months ago, hanging on to it for dear life. I had no idea you kept it. The bloodstones glimmering faintly in the darkness enthral me. I know I would be completely spellbound were it not for your nervous fidgeting, casting frightful looks in every direction. To ease your mind I motion for you to stay still and quiet.  


I listen for a while, to sounds in the distance. They aren't coming after her. _They really aren't coming after her._ It surprises me, but I can't find it in me to care. Quite the contrary, the prospects this offers rather thrill me. I cast a silent spell so that they will have the common courtesy to stay away, too. Just in case. I notice Kat studying my face with a perplexed look in her eyes, so I give her my full attention again, offering the answer she is waiting for. I don't want her to feel abandoned ever again. But that's exactly what I know my words will do.  


"They're not coming.  


I can see your shoulders slumping, but I can't tell if it's from relief or disappointment. And then it no longer matters. Your composure suddenly breaks and you bury your face in my chest, warm tears soaking my shirt. I find myself raking my hands through your hair soothingly - a gentle, alien gesture for a being of darkness - which is repaid in the soft hands that wrap around me, gripping tightly to my jacket as if you were drowning. Maybe you are.   


I let you sob for a while, my caresses slowly growing spasmodic, mechanic even. I know the words you want me to tell you, words that would make you turn around and return to your life of bliss and happiness, but I know that I can't say them. I don't want to. I don't want you to. Instead I lift your chin up and wipe away your tears as you desperately gasp for air.  


You look surprised as I try to give you my most comforting smile. Who would have known I had it in me. Or how it feels to see you smile back as a mere reflex, how brightly it makes your face shine. And how destructively for the cursed, like the light of a thousand suns. I close my eyes before you devour me completely, but I can't seem to release you from my embrace. I notice that your hands are not disconnecting from my back, either. Not until you lean your head back on my shoulder and bring your hand up to my face to play with stray locks of hair. I imagine that you are still smiling. I want it to be so. But I'm too afraid to look.  


Without any deliberation I lean down and kiss you softly, perhaps hoping that you will take it as the kiss of a friend. But what would it matter anyway, I'm already damned, this could be my only chance of salvation. I feel a touch of panic as your warm lips shiver against mine; I should let go of you, tell you that I made a mistake. But then your smile returns, I can feel it take form on my skin. You part your lips slightly as your hands roam up my back to cup my head, to tangle your fingers in my hair. I could never miss such an opportunity. I slip in my tongue to taste the sweetest essence that is fresh and fruity and infinitely you. Every moan you make into my mouth brings me closer to the light, reassures me.  


Maybe one day you'll learn to love me as much as I love you. Perhaps I'll even wait.  


THE END   
(Or the beginning.)  


No lemon. Not right now. Maybe later.  


_Reviews are nice. Coherent reviews are even better._  



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